Where to start, I will never be happy. I try but like everyone always said I will be alone forever, I believe you should like someone before you try and date them plus I believe in dating. But no girls ever like me. My friends are make believe, they are a front they never hang with just me but two people Jose and Andrew. But he seems done. And Jose I haven’t seen in months. The family I have sucks, my dad is the only person who loves me. And he try’s so hard to be there for me. I can’t just sit here faking smiles for people working just to live when I don’t like it anymore. I haven’t talked about the person I last liked and that’s cuz they don’t matter. I feel sick living, I tried to get help but no one cares, or know how to ask I would tell if they asked after her I will never tell someone openly. I have tried to be happy but it doesn’t ease the pain of life. It just hides it. If I had a way I would be dead today as of this moment. I don’t know if today or tomorrow it will be. I’m not sorry to be gone I’m sorry if you miss me but I didn’t feel it.
so hanging out with my friends friday night, i met this girl Jen and simply put she’s hot and i don’t really think anything of it because i think she’s with my friend. but nope they’re not together and i still don’t hit on her because i think she like him. but she tells me of this band to listen too but i forgot it by the end of the night. she adds me on Facebook. soon after fixing a post about hanging the other night to add me to the tag, i say its fine and ask her about the band. she privet messages me so it dosnt keep popping up on everyones page. so we keep talking and now it few hours later. my friend says he tried to get me in to the band, i don’t remember this but ok i didn’t say anything but she adds maybe he likes me better and all of a sudden i realize i do like her and kinda want to get to know her. and thats where i am now i don’t know what to do i feel lost i was fine when i didn’t think i liked her but now i can’t get her out of my head. fuck i suck with girls
I am dead on the inside
A rotting corpse
Locked away in my mind
Trapped by my own thoughts of you
I wish to kill your memory
And forget you exist
You hurt to know
You kill to think
You make the love I have sink
To the drain
I die when you’re brought up
O boy are you brought up
By everyone who I know
I try to hide I try to hide
I fucking try but you lie inside
There mind like a fucking terrorist
I wish you’d die cuz I cant
Be this fucking sad no more
I hate you I hate you
I’ll say it some more
I hate you I hate you
O fucking lord I hate you
You fucking whore
But I digress
I still sit here
Like a dying fetus
Dried out and butchered by you’re lies
"quick note! this was 2010 when i wrote this and i was in a really bad place. someone saved me that day and i weirdly can’t think of who. but i wanted to post this because i think you can see how bad my mind was at this time"
Goodbye are the words in my mind right now, I feel like just shutting down. Like a computer I want it to end. I now have felt joy again by hanging out so fuck it I want it to end before it all ends it will it has to it always does.
She will not make it easy, this pisses me off more that I fucked up and it kills me. She said it doesn’t matter but it does. TO ME.
I can’t keep my mind on track, I need to say goodbye… but I don’t want to, I want them to just not know. I don’t want any of them to care. I will be dead by the time… I can’t finish that sentence. But I will be dead and they wont matter to me anymore I don’t want them to even remember me.
If they do I won’t die, I will live on.
In their minds… and that’s worse then living here in my mind.
Should I start with the truth? Or lie like I always do? What if I don’t die? Then they know me and hate me.
I will not live on. I can’t. This is not how people should live.
I don’t love anyone, but I love everyone and that is the problem. I have never loved anyone emotionally and it kills me. Friends, I love you guys. All I want is love and I never will feel it.
Fuck I can’t think.
You know what? Fuck you all, goodbye.